Main»Lance Crackers

In late-February 2005 Adam traveled to Florida and North Carolina to record 'on the street' style radio ads for 'Lance Crackers'. From the 20th to the 22nd, Adam had to either call in or use his Zephyr to participate in the show.


[For an easier to read, though less accurate, version of the following transcript, you can access an alternate edition here.]

On 20 February 2005, the following conversation took place at the top of the show, with Adam explaining where he was.

Drew: "Well explain to the- explain to people why you're travelling first! I just- all I gave them so far was the phone number. So what are you doing in Tampa?"
Adam: "Oh, sorry there, brother man. I'm in Tampa doing a commercial. It's a long story, but I went to a flea market in, in like rural Tampa-"
Drew: "Nice."
Adam: "-this morning, and, uh, every stereotype about the South, put a zero behind it."
Drew: "Bring it to life."
Adam: "Oh my god, I swear to Christ I saw a four-year-old who had one eyebrow."
Drew: [laughs]
Adam: "I mean it."
Drew: "A-a-and a mullet?"
Adam: "A, um, um, like a four stage mullet, and, uh, like, uh, serious stubble between the eyes from the shaving mom gave her."
Drew: "Nice."
Adam: "It's crazy over here. I-I- It's really, it's like Deliverance."

The following night, Adam had moved on to a hotel in North Carolina, and the following exchange took place soon after the show started.

Drew: "Great. And, uh, you've moved from Tampa to, uh, Charlotte?"
Adam: "I'm in, uh, Charlotte. It's, uh, it's wonderful and lonely."
[Drew and Debbie Gibson laugh]
Drew: "Anymore, uh, NASCAR, uh, fans you've run into?"
Adam: "No, have not,-"
Drew: "What?!"
Adam: "-thankfully have not, uh, run into any more NASCAR fans. Well, I've- I've- I haven't run into any- anybody. The town is, uh, empty. I think they're fumigating or something."
[Drew laughs]

Adam was still in North Carolina the following night.

Drew: "I thought you were going to be here tonight?"
Adam: "Well, I thought I was too, but I got out of work, uh, too late and I got to stay here, uh, one more night. So, uh, unfortunately I'll be in, uh, Charlotte for one more night. But, uh, we'll see if we can do this as seamlessly as possible. Let me-"
Drew: "Anything weird happen?"
Adam: "Uh, no, nothing weird happened. Just, uh, you know, lot of, uh, crappy hard work as usual. Uh, I'm, uh, I don't want to cry. I'm being well compensated."


Audio of the commercials can currently be found on their website. Found below are transcripts of the same commercials:


You can't put a Ham in your Pants!

"I got Lance in my pants!"

...

Adam: You a Lance Cracker fan?
Woman: I love Lance Crackers.

...

Adam: I'll tell you what we like about them, they fit in your pants, you know what I'm saying?
Man: Yeah.
Adam: You think of other food you want to travel with like crab cakes or something, you can't stuff that into your pants.

...

Adam: You ever try to take a ham with you? You end up rolling it and then it gets covered in twigs and bird droppings [laughter] it's still good...

"I got Lance in my pants!"

...

Adam: Here's the thing, the wrapper of a Lance cracker, tastes better than our competitors crackers. [laughter] You heard me - you have a problem with that competitors? Bring it!

...

Adam: I'll eat the crackers and I'll just hand the wrapper to one of my buddies who is used to eating the competitors crackers and he'll happily just gobble it up. You know, it'll back you up a little but it still tastes better.

Girls: I got Lance in my pants and it's making me dance!

"I got Lance in my pants!"

Announcer: Lance sandwich, crackers, and cookies. Big enough to keep hunger at bay, small enough to keep in your pants.


Lance in my Fire Suit!

"I got Lance in my pants!"

...

Adam: I'm here with Dante who works on a stock car pit crew. What do you do on that crew?
Dante: I'm the jack man.

Adam: So your most important tool is the jack, obviously. What's your second most important tool?
Dante: Myself.
Adam: Okay, third. Come on, let's go.
Dante: Lance crackers.
Adam: That's right! But number one in the snack department.
Dante: Oh definitely.

Adam: These peanut butter ones, they give you the strength to get over that wall with that jack.
Dante: Right.

...

"I got Lance in my pants!"

...

Adam: You have pockets in your fire suit, right?
Dante: I do.
Adam: So you can keep some of these Lance crackers in your pants?
Dante: I keep them in my pants.
Adam: Smart.
Dante: On the track.
Adam: You know, if you do catch on fire, you know we have like a grilled cheese.

Adam: You're a jack man, I'm a Lance man.
Dante: Okay.
Adam: We're both Americans. Wow.
Dante: So what does that mean?
Adam: I don't know, but hold on. [laughter] That was heavy.

Dante: I got Lance in my fire suit.

...

"I got Lance in my pants!"

Announcer: Lance sandwich, crackers, and cookies. Big enough to keep hunger at bay, small enough to keep in your pants.


Tornado Chasers love Lance!

"I got Lance in my pants!"

...

Adam: Standing here with world-renowned tornado chaser, Brian Stertz. Brian?
Brian: Yes sir.
Adam: You chase tornadoes?
Brian: Everywhere.
Adam: You eat these Lance snack crackers?
Brian: Yeah.
Adam: You work up a pretty big appetite out there on the road?
Brian: Yeah, it's a long drive between tornadoes.

Adam: So how do you chase a tornado, and why?
Brian: Well, the main reason is to protect lives and property.
Adam: You tell that to the chicks?
Brian: Yes.
Adam: That's a great line.

...

"I got Lance in my pants!"

...

Adam: When you go out on the road, you can't just take one of these, can you?
Brian: No, I always take a whole carton, who cares?
Adam: Yeah.
Brian: You can't stop.

Adam: I was running from a tornado. I mean I was on foot. There were cows flying around, [laughter] and I saw that witch on the bike. It was horrible! I was running low, I didn't have nothing left in the tank. And all of a sudden I realized I had Lance in my pants, and I popped one and it was like "Boom!"
Brian: It's like Popeye's spinach.
Adam: Surge!

...

"I got Lance in my pants!"

Announcer: Lance sandwich, crackers, and cookies. Big enough to keep hunger at bay, small enough to keep in your pants.


No Nambi-Pambi Snacks!

"I got Lance in my pants!"

...

Adam: Hey, who wants Lance in their pants? I know I do.

Adam: You get hungry, right?
Guy: Yes, all the time.
Adam: And you don't want any nambi-pambi snacks?
Guy: No sir.
Adam: You don't want some Fruit Rollup or some yogurt pushup?
Guy: No.
Adam: No. You do eat Lance crackers. Now don't let me put words in your mouth, but if you disagree with me then it will be time to leave.

...

"I got Lance in my pants!"

...

Adam: And they're mobile.
Guy: You can eat 'em on the run.
Adam: Literally, I've been chased by rival gangs and eaten snack crackers.
Guy: -and eaten crackers.
Adam: Lot of guys wouldn't take that time to snack [laughter], but you know, when you're hungry, you're hungry.

Guy: And they're bite-sized. Convenient.
Adam: They're bite-sized.
Guy: Long-lasting.
Adam: Long-lasting. Yeah, look, we're not selling deodorant, buddy [laughter]. Crackers, long-lasting. Are you kidding? I can polish one of these off in like four seconds. It's like a train crash in my mouth.

...

"I got Lance in my pants!"

Announcer: Lance sandwich, crackers, and cookies. Big enough to keep hunger at bay, small enough to keep in your pants.


Pushing Roast Beef Carts!

"I got Lance in my pants!"

...

Adam: We're here at the mall where you can't pocket the merchandise but you can pocket Lance crackers.

Adam: Before Lance, I used to push around one of those big roast beef serving carts everywhere [laughter] when I wanted to snack. Yeah, I'd have to push it through the mall. Then I got hip to these Lance crackers. Just dropped a Lance in the pants and hit the road.

...

"I got Lance in my pants!"

...

Adam: You know the thing that's nice about these? They're six of them. You get a candy bar, you can't share it with five of your friends. You take a bite, there's that weird, long, nougat-y spit thing.

Adam: No more of these granolas and these protein bars. Let the French eat those. Us Americans, we're going to eat these Lance snack crackers.
Girl: I love Lance.

Adam: What do they taste like?
Guy: Like a cracker.
Adam: Just a cracker?
Guy: No. Uh, creamy cracker.
Adam: Yeah, that was my rap name. The Creamy Cracker. [laughter]

...

"I got Lance in my pants!"

Announcer: Lance sandwich, crackers, and cookies. Big enough to keep hunger at bay, small enough to keep in your pants.